JOY

I climb a broken staircase with full intent to fall, a customer of consequence. I am so used to failure, I feel I've failed if I don't fail. My words are not inspiration, but true. I once was the one everyone worried about, now I worry about everyone. Sum how a loaded pistol and bottle makes me feel more safe. I'm not searching for answer's, just living in question. I've become so cold, I'm mad that I am happy. Every time I leave the house I beg myself not to react, though my survival depends on my reaction. They say home is where your heart is... so, I am so far from home. I love that a preacher has a hard time listening but insist you hear. Some people say I am too dark when I'm shedding light. I hang out with people to feel more alone. I only truly smile before I attack. My fear of dying is the pain others will feel. I want to climb a mountain with a bungee cord attached to the ground, cause I'd like to know the difference between it and now. Someone told me I am to angry, I said fuck you. I once ate a hand full of pills trying to die, only to realize I was eating a hand full every day anyway....I was already committing suicide. I bear scars from self inflicted wounds, but don't remember inflicting....or maybe can't forget. I tried to hurt someone I should not have and felt no sorrow, but cried during a commercial. I can't see a doctor because I fear he will try to heal me. People worry when they read what I write, but are happy when I lie about being happy.---- A lot of people dislike what I say and what I've done, they wonder who I really am, so the truth is..... I am a father, a brother, a friend, a son and a boyfriend....so if I'm judged.... that is where I find my jury.