Nurse

Her love is medical.... she can heal me when I'm sick, stitch me when I'm ripped, kiss me when I'm lonely and allows visitation from my homie. She takes the pain away without a swallow, and fill's my corpse when it's cold and hollow. When my head hurts she gives me new head, when I'm depressed she get's undressed and get's me lifted. She's done things a doctor never could, like make me stop the hustling and escape the hood. She has me on an IV, of loving life in it's entirety. Doctor's orders to keep thumb tucked, like the tail of Papa once was. I know I'll always be an addict..... of her love.... recovering ........ but I'm not high, just hovering far above suffering. -LIV

TYPE

A roller coaster ride that would make the amusement park jealous (Nardo), so much changing in my brain my head is callused. Calculated malice, as I feel the need to laugh when I'm over run with sadness. Deep breaths to the excess, though less vexed when I think of her deep breath when sexed. How did I become so lucky, from people trying to fuck me to the one who loves me. Yes, that clean love.... the type when your in the wrong and need a hug she holds you up. The type when you need fresh air she'll finger-brush your hair. That type that could be across the world but care like she was there. The type that makes it a waste of time for me to type, cause what I write could never justify the type. Yes I'm happy, I'm alright..... she's my type!! -LIV

Rash - ional

Soul caged with a mind like fine wine and green cheese, old aged. Last bracelet I've worn complements of the county. 100 yard dash full speed trying to leave my past as it remains on my ass like diaper rash. My brain's stained with the guilt and pain of long doing wrong. Fueled by octane, slowed down by years of moving -------. Cultured as a missionary, white man in a black suit mixing race's like a fast Olympian. Torch to carry is cold and less weight then the burden of being uncertain of the date she's returning. Troubled, confusion is doubled by the substances I quit using yet I keep cell loosing. -LIV

Weight

As the earth spins the frozen tree limbs await the spring, and I wait. My loyalty has never been on trial, chipped tooth and unbearable pain yet I can still smile. It's said to be careful what you wish for and I wished reckless, so I'm left with a dog and her dog tags hung from my necklace. My wish for a Christmas present is her presence.... her breath, her touch, her essence. Cold exterior as if I stood in front of my fathers mirror, but the reflection is deception.... I must see clearer. Clutched photograph in hand as I stare at the world so overcast waiting for time to pass, her smile could make it bright at midnight. Careful what you wish for you just may get it, now I only wish to keep it. -LIV

Still

Birds chirp in the background, playing their solo riff in the midst of summers sound. The sun struggles to rise as does she, wiping the confusion from her waking eyes. I feel as if I'm encased in concrete walls a mile tall I'm so safe, though all that separates us from the world are these thin tent walls. She feels protected in the elements with me by her side as the alpha male, unaware without her near I to am subject to fear. Coals still glow as a lighthouse in the distance upon a sea of morning dew, as we make our way to last nights fire we feel refuge. Small animals around continue with their morning food gather. I love how our roles as humans have altered, this it their city so to them we don't matter. The edge of the whispering lake opaque, in the distance it's ablaze with the rising sun's rays. Life surrounds us from every angle with constant movement as I enclose her in my arms, and sum how we can just be still. Still.... like the eye of a hurricane. Still.... like a dead man who finally can escape his pain. Still.... without racism, without war, without rich or poor, right or wrong, without hate, just perfectly sedate. Still........ -LIV

Life's Bowl

Cold towel wipes the sweat off the top of my head, I've succeeded in my journey through life's bowels. Kicked off my boots, though oh so stained with the juice of society's underbelly absorbed through my roots. Exterior such a synthetic mold of warmth and structure, inside I'm cold and ruptured. -------->>>> Friends say I'll never find my answer for sorrow in the bottom of this bottle, I know... that's why I'll search a new one tomorrow. I'm life's whole corn, chewed up and shit out but still there in the bowl the next morn. I'm being chased and outnumbered by the hundreds, yet done dodging and running from the demons I once hung with. My safety; my lady, my dog and my gun.... and I'm short one so be cautious the angle you approach from. Systematically moving as I await the next court date, just cause I made one wrong move the system yelled check-mate. No stress.... I've traveled the muddy path so long my sock's wet, so discomfort's progress. -LIV

Written for your brother of Chance, Not of Blood.....

We heal each other, 

Slowly, we move along

But the only thing that could reopen that wound

Is the dust you hold in your palm...

Fixing me, as I fix you, 

Together, with fingers laced - 

and heads down, 

We kiss as we consume.

Looking only for the sunshine now, 

I'll try to push those clouds away

Shine the sunlight on your visions

Because now is here now

And today is your day

Let's clear our heads

And open the door to the road that lies ahead

Nothing dismal in the future for us

Keep our eyes open; 

Head Clear

and mind; focused

And prove (just because we can)

That we'll rise above all the mess....

Fuck the Valley, let's build a house next to Chris  :)

You know that I got you

At your side, and holding your back.....

All My Love, 

Trix

God Bless America

Let us remember those who are serving our country everyday , not just on Veterans Day. If we just take one moment a day to remember them maybe we can help our soldiers. If they know that the people back home are thinking of them they can get the courage and strength they need to do the duty that is required of them. May they always remember our appreciation for the sacrifice they are making for us. Lets be thankful for the men and women who are willing to risk their lives to protect our freedom. Because of them we are able to live in this beautiful country. Please don't forget our soldiers. Pass it on........GOD BLESS AMERICA !
This is dedicated to my wonderful daughter who is serving our country. May she remain strong and may she know she is always in our hearts. I love you. STAY SAFE.

L.I.V.

Birds chirp the same mundane song it's been so long. People look calm but morally wrong. They say you'll find life if you follow the tracks. I ripped the rear view mirror off, I'll never look back. I've gained to much ground, so the thoughts I've etched in stone are un-sound. New round in the chamber for life's anger, how does a soldier on their own base become circum in danger. I.E.D.'s wipe military I.D.'s of people who would but shouldn't die for our country. My intimate contact alike generic cognac, so bittersweet.... I can taste it when I breathe. Each moment in suspense, hence the lack of fear of consequence. Coincidentally I'm unable to sound stable as I hang myself from loves cable. There's nothing I'd rather do then dangle in existence and listen, imagining us kissing. Your all I'm missing...... -LIV

Anchored

I'm convinced I purchased solitude somewhere along the line, and now it's mine. My receipt says I paid with anger and that they gave me to much change, so that explains. Depression is dripping from the ceiling, the carpet stained from what I've shed. Hand squeezing my forehead as I'm striving for breath, but there's no air left. Somehow shadows are different people and objects now have emotion. A plant and me are friends but words were spoken, when a door wouldn't open. My sanity is gravity and I'm floating away at a steady pace. As my chivalry so familiar to me ties me by the waist, I'm anchored in this place. -LIV

...and it goes....

The Ram, and the Bull - 
Two signs that mean we ramble
Stumble over words, and let your jealousy seep through


Hmm, So...Who thought- 
That I never knew
What the purpose was
Was it for me?
or was it for you?
Who led the path or 
who followed?
Was the light bright and clear
Or on that night, were the moons hollow?

Intake my breath
A heavy feeling - wondering what's left - 

"What did I say?!" You say....and "why is it this way?"

HOld your breath, and your next thought

 The words we've used to battle have created only scars...

Reach

Things are so different than they were, the price I paid is way to short of the cost incurred. Childhood is such a blur, and the the things I've done bad are covered as if they never were. Made a living with a hammer, but killed feelings of equal people with a similar hammer. I wake to escape bad dreams of a body in a bloody suitcase in my favorite lake. The blood is mine and I can almost taste, as my future unfolds upon the devil's slate. I only rate opposition as I'm irate, comfortable with my position knowing fate is fate. Collective thoughts leave me broken, separated from existence and being wrong for coping. I'm drowning in a cesspool of liquor and tears and just before I fear.... she says, "I AM HERE." The hand that saves me has shaken hands with the ones who made me. Thanks....... -LIV

Ghetto

Bullet holes riddle the exterior shell of a house they would never dare to call a home. The smell of pork and beans left soiling a pan from dinner three days before. Only words spoken by a mother in passing comes from a screaming voice. The scent of burnt copper travels from the space left in the bedroom door where it will no longer close as she repeatedly goes to hide. Diapers changed by a kid in diapers, though he's way to old he's yet to be trained... as has the dog in the back yard on a two foot chain. Strangers come through but never say there name, buckling there belt as they leave as quickly as they came. They still don't understand why dad died with his belt around his arm. The empty can of beans from the other day now doubles as a drinking cup. Dirt around their mouths playing in ashes and cigarette butts. Just another day in the ghetto..... -LIV

Ammo

My heart's the shell casing, my daughter the bullet, the trigger's separation so why'd someone have to pull it. We're no good apart just evidence, of how evident our togetherness has meant to us. How a spark of bad judgment can leave such mark's, that even when put back together there's missing parts. Now I'm on concrete stepped on and cold, and she's forced full speed to an unworthy soul. That shot was from the chamber so no trip, it's hard to be strangers with a full clip. -LIV

Hunt

"If you use to much soul it's easy to lose control of the situation at hand. Maintain composure," I utter to myself while knowing I can't. In a packed room I feel the targets presence and bite my tongue. The surrounding people are just trees in the forest where I hunt. Brushing shoulders and weaving slowly towards the prey I want. Knowing if at anytime I'm spotted the hunted will run. I'm no fan of confrontation, just a respect fanatic with precise concentration. One goal is to be achieved and that's bringing home the prize, they bigger it is the more to eat so I welcome size. Just then I arrive and we lock eyes like a romance movie, he appears to want to cry. I engage, envelop in passion laced with rage, attacking first.... no time to waste. I feel the fear and taste the blood, losing is always an option but never a thought. No words exchanged yet still had a talk, my fix of respect fills my veins as I turn and walk. Now the tides have turned as the hunter becomes the hunted.... soon he will learn.... I have more to earn. -LIV

Garbage

My body rest on a leather seat, Harley t-shirt with DC's on feet. Raiders hat low and in passenger seat the heat. I just wish you knew me before you screwed me. Your never to big for a garbage can, say my name I show up, like Candy-Man. My girl said to recycle.... so your watch, wallet and keys go in a different pile. I donate too, one entrance and one exit wound my donation to you. You kept it so sketchy, so a garbage bag for a body bag and let's keep it messy. You rather be carried by six then judged by twelve, I carry a 45 and judge by shells. Your a pedophile, you rubbed me the wrong way. Your a rapist, you fucked me then ran away. My trigger finger has V.D., yea it's got that itch. My pistol wants to cum, and your that bitch. ..............I'm poker faced joking... I'm not that tough, and I'm all in.... call my bluff. -LIV

Hos-spit-able

Horrified as I walked through the corridor, once I saw his face I felt horror more. I was there on a scam looking at the man that gave me my last name, ____. Damn.... See... I was not allowed in the hospital, nor the prison... but I'll find my family... son's intuition. So I saw my idol in a bad way yet so strong. Who knew the next time we spoke he'd be gone. A cold hand, a hard face, do people only write when your erased? He maintained a respect for my mother, never did he degrade her in front of me or my brother. I karry the trait, my eyes stare high and far focused on one star. Yes I'm hardened but pardon... I want no fame... just Stardom. -LIV

Shhh....

puzzling pieces

Instincts, correct

The face of anger

A voice of silence

So time has released
the answer

To the theory in question

Asshole tactics;

spoken true

Take my lessons,

the best were from you

Missed a couple sessions,

Lost a lot of years

And through the phone

on drunken nights

I can almost hear

You swallowing your tears

Dark

Watching scratch marks from a knife blade. Life is light to dark, depending how the time fades. I want black, fuck shade. The absence of color has a bright face. Death before dishonor is read by the coroner. My plead to god is "no contest your honor". Troubled in a bad way, doubled by another day. My heart pumped hate, pores seeped regret, yet the more beads of sweat the more vexed. Ambition gone, soul is next, at the devils bank trying to cash a life check. It bounced but no regret, they always take every ounce until nothings left. Every day is the day after your birthday.... cause things were good yesterday............weren't they? -LIV

Alone

"I watch gangster flicks and root for the bad guy, then turn it off before the end cause the bad guy dies."(-50 Cent) .... I watch comedy flicks for a reason to smile skipping the end where the guy get's the girl. Cause I miss you... my shed tears have drowned a box of tissues. Every song I hear is reminiscent of you, every night I touch my lips and wish to kiss you. I've done evil most people would never understand, but to me it's no effect. Yet I walk by the wrong picture of you I cry with my head in my hands, I'm a fucking wreck. I'm so tired of being strong I'm weak. I'm so tired all night long I can't sleep. I can't go for a ride, I can't go for a walk, I can't go out to eat.... I can't fucking talk. If I miss your phone call my soul falls. So I hold up at home with these four walls. I've must have written a book by now but still haven't found the words. Listened to every news report yet haven't heard a word. I've chained myself to solitude so you know where I'll be, waiting here in my own tears until you bring the key. -LIV

Medicated

The answer to all your problems is in the bottle's bottom. To bad the child safety top can't stop him. Nights are remembered in fragments amidst the head nodding. Bad memories suppressed at the cost of good moments forgotten. Lost of taste as he eats with an erased look on his face. Knows the date only by the amount of pills left to take. Needs some to fall asleep, some just to wake, and you know it takes a lot just to make it through the day. Each ailment healed is an ailment gained so problems are never solved, just rearranged. Just as you start feeling normal people start to tell, the side effect to getting well requires a soul to sell. Flying away is always nice, but it's when you land that dictates how you pay the price. Your distant from the pain that dwells and it's awaiting your return. The longer you duck and hide the more the demon yearns. Withdrawn from society, life, your friends, yourself.... In the cabinet of existence there is little left upon the shelf. Each glimmer of hope is close enough to reach, but the shell of false protection is just to hard to breach. "Your pain is yours, cherish it. It's the only thing no one can ever take from you." Big-E ..........................................-LIV

Time

Condescending contrast so predictable like sand through the hourglass. No peace in a quiet room, the persistent ever so constant dripping in the sink leaves no room to think. Each blink unveils the same dismal surroundings and the familiarity is drowning. My heart starts to race but has nothing to chase, so it slows to change it's pace, but does it brake.... or break. Deep breaths through sleepless nights breathless, the only thing I fight is rest I'm so restless. Each moment passed is one I last just for the next repetition to pass........ at last. Dividing the sound of the clock with the crash of the water drops.. tick/drop, drip/tock...... please Stop. Finding life's equation is clouding my thoughts up, it's simple arithmetic but never seems to add up.........Fuck. -LIV

I Have You To Thank

4 making me so me. 4 understanding belief with no reason. 4 knowing and trusting every movement with no discussion. 4 letting me make you so you. 4 breathing, smiling, fighting and lying next to one of the opposite sex no matter how I'm vexed. 4 every moment open being so potent for laughter. 4 being everything I chased after. 4 waiting until I grew through idiocy. 4 unknowingly laying foundation of a future with mystery. 4 making me stronger by leaving me. 4 introducing me to true love. 4 giving me the freedom you provide 4 our country. 4 reminding me, if I stare at the same star in the sky 4 long enough it will come to me. 4 being confident and optimistic with consistency. 4 kissing me. 4 you staying so close when I'm so far gone. 4 staying in touch with my Mom. 4 you being all 4 the 4. -LIV

Rules

Blood on the boots supporting the frame of one to proud to not take blame. Red fading footprints chase him from the paved way where a body lays. Hot metal stays pressed to the waist, chest out below a blank yet satisfied face. Sure the future is bringing more chaos hurt and loss, but this battle not lost. War torn unhealed scars mask the exterior of a righteous heart with a fight for a cause. If a janitor never cleaned a worthless mess, before long it would spread to where the innocent stepped. Some souls have morals and quarrel with ethics, they have a right and some must kill to protect it. If one dies to save two lives the human race survives; Rule #1 -Never leave an enemy alive. -LIV

a night, weekday.

your difficulties
my shortcomings
Whose mistaken for a fool
Our do-se-do swing
you throw out this
And I just sit back
You throw out that
Yet I won't strike back
cross my arms, legs and eyes
all at once
give me your best shot
(I already beat you to the punch)
Vehement
Angry 'bout the pain
and the restlessness
That I harbor
Release is needed
"Will I ever be At Peace?"
I ask the man on the ceiling
(I see the moon, are you staring at it too?)

thanks, a million.

When the inspiration comes from
the bottom of a bottle
Drink till you're full
But you still find you're hollow
Let's reminisce
Cheers to this
And wonder bout the timing
that played it's hand
in all the wickedness

Can't maintain
the vein that drips
all the fluid
to the brain
something familiar in the pain
that infects
it lurks and
haunts
and
doesn't disappear
no matter how hard
you push it away.

Blast

Blast on me homie, lets see the last stance
A Mental ass Killer alone in the sand
I draw the line, just cross it and see.
I'll fuck you up fagot as easy as can be.
Maybe I'm crazy gives me strength under fire
I'll blast with my fist leave you body in tires.
Vickey redmens is calling I ready lets go, stand on my feet and like lightning I throw
My face is all bloody It must be the mind
this war in my head made me cross the line.


Too bad it was against myself. Mentally insane, Sutdogs fucked up self.

Words to my Killer

Hey baby whats going on?
I love you is your day going good I hope?
I logged into the bank account, I see you made two new accounts only in your name and moved all the money?
Whats up honey? Did something happen? Why is my name not there? I know I'm in Chicago, that's why I'm calling there. Why is this turning into a screaming match while I'm here. I'm far away your say things I'm not tryin to hear. I'll take the plan back tonight, fuck the test I'll be alright. I don't give a fuck about a job My girl, my love is tripping.
I need to get home quick to see what has happened. You broke up with me? what the fuck do you mean? We been together 3and a half years, we were supposed to get married in June, oh wait, that's why you kept trying to push the wedding, you had this all planned. You stay away from home at a friends I never even get to say a word. I try to text you, but there is no answer. My son is calling, I'm crying trying to tell him. Yes buddy, Iowa is off, Kate broke up with daddy the weddings off. I still want to take you to the water park it will be ok. We will just have to do it alone, I don't know what to say, my worlds falling apart in front of a 4 yr old, asking the questions hoping he has the answers. I love you son run off to bed. Daddy will see you soon.... If its here or if its there.

I cant sleep the night I stay awake till dawn. Away for 4 days from work, I have to try to go on. I walk into some bullshit, Kate showed them my blog, said I made threats to her, Now I'm called to HR. Fired I know its all I can get, not 2 words from me no one cares about my side. I grab all my personals a few side items too, leave the building go back home and see the uhual moving things. I pull in they all leave so I try to help them out. I take all inside throw it in the street so they don't have as far to walk. Next thing I know 2 cops arrive, to make me come with them, no warrant, no nothing takes me by ambulance to the mental ward. 48 hr judge ordered stay. Seems Kate told the cops I was going to kill myself so she could unload as I sat in the jacket, begging to get out. All that runs inside my head is her words I cant take it. So much drama in your life, with crystal, your family, yourself, or the courts. Well fuck you bitch, my son was molested. You tun on me in my time of need no one there to catch me. I sat Alone in a ball on the floor waiting for family to take me back home. Back to ohio I keep up the meds, A psychotic Bi-polar Acrophobic, I got the panic disorder and drug problems to boot, hittin the pain pills the immortal sin. Ill pay for it later now I cant move, all I can do is sit in the dark. I get the order, sheriff at the door, I'm served with the papers, a no contact order. How the fuck can this happen? all in 3 days, now I'm back in ohio, mind in a haze. No one to talk to, live in a hole. My moms house is calling, jimmy come home. I'm flipping in my head, talking to voices inside, images of death. I wrap my arms around it and cover it with drugs, for 2 and A half months months I have my world, Make sure he is alright. Now he's gone, I'm back alone this hole in the ground, my life revolves, never an end. Some one to help, dikkie calls keeps me better, but I'm still fucked inside, no one understands, my life was crushed in 3 months.

Calm

So different, wide eyed and so exposed. A soul like the last time I saw my father..... cold. The chip on my shoulder would crack your mold. I'll gamble hope until broke and never fold. Hurt changed my lust for pain and in turn, changed my lust for gain. Diving in the center of a plateau. So no level change but the pain remains, plane. Deep rooted problems that need solving. Solvent in the barrel, cylinder revolving. Oh how these thoughts are evolving. Hope the voices stop before embalming, I need calming...... -LIV

U.S.A.

I gasp... she was down before the trade center crashed, she knew it would happen... then It did, and no laughs..... who knew... someone would use politics for their own pursuit of control (everyone).... She fought for a country without a cause... with no second thought, without a pause..... Loyalty above all.... 5'4, yet so tall ... Thumb tucked, running through enemies walls... A real hero from a government who cared zero.... their intent was to lose people so an unjustified attack would seem equal...... I have no trust, they killed children by the hands of us.... Don't think I don't believe in WAR.... I believe in an eye for an eye but what are our troops paying for. We all hate Bush... but people didn't quit dying cause Obama is now your president..... oh now your present...... how evident, nothing changes politics... soldiers dying for no reason, but tell their kids to be optimistic.... Bullshit. Rounds from an AK in a child's leg gets fixed... and thoughts of helplessness from a soldier who fixed it will forever exist. Is this fight different from bloods and crips? Tell me how, this shit doesn't add up still... and as a soldier invested in protecting a soldier I'll kill.....trust me I will.... I put that on my Dad, 4 real...... people signed up for a result... not 4 the selfish agenda of a political cult. - LIV R.I.P Big E

From my Lady...

Each day brings new thoughts and today I was forced to recall a place
> in New York...
>
> We took a trip to Newburg me and mom with Aunt Sylvia, R.I.P, to go
> see Aunt Carla, Tangela and Duwayne. When the family got together
> there was always a good time and good food to be had. This was no
> exception to the rule. I wasn't to young remember the trip or the fact

> that Aunt Carla always had cool ideas. We went to a place called Bear
> Mountain and they had an ice skating ring outside. It was cold but not

> too cold and the sky was really dark but the stars twinkled we were up

> so high it felt like I could grab one if I really tried. I felt so
> sophisticated being outside ice skating on some mountain, like how
> many people do this. It was always fun staying up past our bed time
> and doing something new, maybe that's the part that made me feel like
> such a big girl. Plus, I had on gloves a scarf and hat but just a
> sweater and jeans on...that never happened mom always made sure I was
> dressed very warm. To the point where my socks were pulled all the way

> up, my t-shirt all the way down, tucked into my undies, with my shirt
> all the way down and tucked into my pants that were pulled up over my
> little kid extend a belly, ha ha, my shoe laces tied or Velcro all the
way over.
> My hair was nothing short of pulled back enough to make my almond
> shaped eyes a little more chinky to accentuate my round cheek-ies and
> pouty lips. Then came the gloves hat and scarf that were put on first
> then on went the jacket that I was always was afraid was going to zip
> my neck in and it be mistaken for extra clothing...in the end no air
> pockets. Ha ha, oh man, ha ha sorry mom such fond memories of you
> dressing me, ha ha.
>
> Anyway, to be outside made me feel like a little adult as I dreamed of

> being a teenager and being on a date to a place so cool as the couples

> skated around us holding hands. To be a kid and dream. We left to
> arrive at a restaurant called Gosho of Japan and it felt like a
> wrinkle in time. With karate never too far from my life, my mother and

> I share an affinity for the Asian culture but this, this felt like I
> was in some Japanese Garden, in the winter. You could hear the music
> before we got there, song dong dong ting, ha ha. When we went in
> everyone was dressed in Kimono's. And the chef's cooked in front of
> you and that was the first time I saw that so I was amazed. My mom let

> me order like a big girl and for the special night Tangela and I were
> allowed to get virgin daiquiri's, that always upped the big girl
> factor. My mom ordered some plum wine and she let me have a little
> sip, I don't know if it was the whole day, the atmosphere or if that
> wine was pure perfection but I swear there I tasted the most lip
> smacking scrumptulecent (not a word) liquid to roll on my tongue this
> side of the Mississippi. And that night as I laid down my head, I
> slept with the biggest smile on my face...i will always remember Bear
Mountain.
>
> Have a great day, All my love!
>

You

You stole my pain and implanted faith and hope with no mirrors or smoke. Each morning I wake is like a jail break, I'm imprisoned in bed next to my angels face. Breakfast in bed, lunch on the lake, sex in the woods then for dinner a steak. Slow walk's in the rain pacing conversation around the thunders sound. Back to the ground, eyes to the sky, hearts as one, inhibitions aside. Focused on not concentrating, concerned without worry, everything to do but in no hurry. Don't know if they look, who cares if they stare, in a sea of these people it's just me and you there. A corn field at night, a stream in the morning, a day in the house and no moment's boring. Today's a new day can't dwell on the past, but every day passed is as great as the last. And it gets better....... -LIV

Pass

I ease past, brushing shoulders with his immediate family as I walk by the stained glass. Knee deep in the tears of sorrow from those so shallow and apologies so hollow. My thoughts narrow, "your nobody till somebody kill's you" I think, as I wash my hands of his existence in the reality sink. I will miss that he's gone like I miss wearing a diaper... I don't remember the last time, it just seems asinine. They held his showing in a church of god... how odd.... I know, let's put all the people he raped in the front row. Is it more disrespectful that I showed up, or that he's being honored for being such a fuck up. No apologies..... when your right your right, we both sleep... I just wake at the end of the night. You think I'm harsh.... I agree, but look at the violation left by his legacy. Good things come to those who wait, and those who violate must meet their fate. I know sum may not understand, but to those who do .... Tuck Your Thumb In. -LIV

Who Kares?

I was at the worst point of my life. You were with everyone I've known every night. I stood up as a child to take a stance as a man. You stood up to bend over for another man. I saw her entrance then, you asked if "it" looked like him. You asked no questions when the money came. Treated me like shit when the money didn't. Who knew a whore could make such a gift. How does an angel come from such a bitch. You loved the love from a real fam. But you loved more having the upper hand. You made all of me believe and in turn, my family believed me and loved her... see; Your the only one alive that took a part in breaking all of the ones I loved heart's. ............................. I have so much more to say to you, but I bite my tongue.... and to be vague.... Fuck You. -LIV

Voices

If I took orders from a ghost to listen and typed what he said would it be ghost-written? I see white shadows at night casting shade from moonlight evident in plain sight. Voices whisper my name in a scream again and again no matter how far I run from them. Is crazy another word for misunderstood, and if so how do you understand crazy? Are tears from the virgin Mary more real than hallucinations and who makes the determination? If some one hears voices to kill a child they're demented, but if it's the voice of god they're never contested. Is a voice not a voice unless it's excepted by society, or does the choice of a voice dictate ones notoriety? Doc said we all have sick thoughts in our mind from time to time, it just means your sane. But your hospitalized as insane if you "say" you thought of blowing out your brain. Freedom of speech unless what your saying is in not agreed upon, and if you speak on your frowned upon. I would love to keep writing but it's almost time for bed, plus I need time for fighting with all these voices in my head. -LIV

The Show Must Go On

Sweat beads on the surface I'm so nervous, walking a barbed tight rope of life's purpose like I'm in the circus. If I fall my existence is worthless, observers cheering saying devil spear him when he hits the surface. Endless wind of negativity from the breath of jealousy threatens each contemplated step taken to escape captivity. Proclivity to flee no longer an instinct for me, pumping the blood of deceit to a brain screaming retreat. Refusal to lose refuels exacted determination to survive in my life according to my rules. I'm certain I pull the strings so the puppet masters working, and the show doesn't stop until I drop the curtain. -LIV

LIV-4

Coming from a place where heads move at a fast pace, it's refreshing to be locked in slow motion on your smiling face. I'm enmeshed with the warmth of your breath, the truth in your words, the loyalty you've kept and the respect you earned. I'd throw my shirt on a puddle in the pouring rain, even though we're soaked to the bone it's the commitment that remains. I open your car door acting like security for the rich, but I'm so secure with your purity I show chivalry still exist. I'm jealous sum times you cook better but it's alright, because all emotions aside after my second bite. It's so hard to find a woman that dims the lights to put a record on as old as us to vibe through the night. Crazy being second to a three step race to see who jumps in rushing water up to their waist. My best memories are the worst of situations flipped into humor and burnt into imaginations as a moment unforgettable with tattooed smiles... who would have thought discomfort would be so worth while. From different paths and different life's a soldier of the street and a soldier in real life, united in a way that could only be alike stars aligning. Every moment without you is a moment to long so I revolve around the moment you come home. (Didn't think I'd remember....) So my heart is exposed my chest I guess I'll suture, I felt like explaining....... after all, you are my future. -LIV

some random scribble

the round table for the evil that lurks
within a verse
is an age old curse that needs to
vanish
in this House of Heart,
You play your part
Or get banished

floating through the atmosphere...

I think coherently -
but about everything at once
So I suppose-
that's what it is that clouds my thoughts

Words too condensed;
too manic
No rest comes for the wicked
when the wicked
get panicked

methodical
or
maniacal
the line; like my vision
is blurred

Black & White

Although we may be black and white, every thing's not black and white. I didn't need your cosign or your piece of mind. I gave a fuck if you'd be mad, happy, confused or sad. Your loyalty was never to me, I should add. So I'm not surprised your so surprised at what we have. "If I were you I'd hate me to", I bet that rings a bell. So because your influence is nonexistent, I guess now all is well. I'm sure your story's impeccable heard by distant ears. All I hear is "I'm so happy for you" when I am near. I'm the one you said to shun because what you heard my Dad had done. Good idea chump, stay far away and fear. Just know the things you say have a way into my ear, so you of all people should be happy I am here. If you play with my emotions your a little soft, if you play with my family's your offed. The first warning was already given and I believe you understand, yea.... it's a given.... right my "man"? I bet your worried now pussy, good ridden....um listen....naw homie....I'm just kidding - 4 - -LIV

Daydreamer

Moving 65 as eyes scan from side to side, soaking up the vibe of the uninhabited countryside. A deep breath in then exhale and sigh... my mind wanders as do I, a nomad with a ride. Then I heard the voice of a man I passed sum where along the way, back then I payed no mind but sum how understood today. I was walking down a broken street as he shuffled etched in grey, he had a bottle in a paper bag... could barely stand to face the day. He said, "Be careful where your going son and choose what games you play. I made that turn at your age and returned like I am today." As I continued to stroll I joked, "You must have gotten lost"....had I known that's what he meant I may have minimized my loss. Reality instantly snaps back as I proceed to yank the wheel, 75 sideways in a Cadillac amongst the smoke the tires squeal. I brace for sudden impact leaning back here comes the airbag, I should have never swerved just to avoid a bottle in a paper bag.......damn. In the blink of an eye I'm back to normal as I pull slowly into the drive, without any hesitation I shut the door and head inside. -LIV

Crushed Voice Box

Crushed voice box by the boot of society with freedom of speech. How do I stand as a man past the weight of a government hand and why do I reach. Income taxed yet I pay money for air to someone with a mansion that pays more than I make to servants that work there. I feel guilty I've never plead not guilty when innocent in fear the judge would have killed me like, "FINISH HIM". My hat's tilted so I'm a nigger and my heads shaved so I'm also racist but I want peace so I'm a hippie with no prayer so an atheist, ever painting their faces and changing their places aiming to disgrace but so void of a basis -SHUT UP! So paranoid a wrong face and a right turn is probable cause for me to get pulled over a and owe them a cost that's twice what I earn, what happened to laws and why wont I learn not to fight with the boss cause he's got a badge, and I'm just human.... I wonder how a crushed voice box from the boot of society would do him. -LIV

COPE

can't catch my breath but know, no meth; so down to the ground n done, with no Valium; eyes blood shot but naw, not from pot; my back is killing me, really.. no LSD; chills go through me believe me, not Ecstasy; my jaw goes side ways/front to back, without crack. i itch every second it seems to me, no codine; my heads cloudy and oh no, no promethazine;
---- my eyes roll back in my skull, i savor the safeness as i fold.... right now I'm not warm, nor am i cold.... but wish forever i could feel this whole, but I'm getting old- Day after day and trip after fraud, slip after rip, shit.... I'm so sick. when will it stop and when will i learn.... to provide for my pain takes more then i earn- I feel so ugly, yea i want a mask, I hurt so bad & that's why i mask- the hill i climb is a tread mill.... so each step i take, I stay still.... I'm ill.

----It hurts when it's gone, I'm so sick and scared... but it's easier than dealing with the loss, it's so unfair. So tonight I'll nod and tomorrow I'll shake, and I'll fake until I just cant fake.... & when the moment ends I try to defend again, hoping I don't fix....it....then..............? ....LIV

....A work in progress...A modern gunslinger, of sorts....

Considerations.
Feeling as though I’m hovering over sand, I consider many things. The distance of the red rock arches, set far back on the horizon line. The sun is setting. Everything is luminescent, glowing red.
Am I in Hell?
No, can’t be.
It’s just an illusion.
None of this is real.
The still-hot sun burns my shoulders, back and the top of my head. This, I thought – was why Mexicans wear sombreros. To beat the heat. So that the skin on the skull does not shrivel like a raisin. On my face though, I feel a breeze. Dry, hot air; but a breeze, nonetheless. It makes me pause, but only for a moment. Must…keep…moving.
My surroundings were surreal. The landscape aglow, I moved on as the lonely traveler, hovering over the expanse of the red desert.
My feet began to dig into the sand as my legs grew tired and increasingly heavy.
Fucking wreckage.
I turned slowly, facing East. There it was, about 400 yards away. It sat, bellowing thick tendrils of smoke. I had smashed it, and watched it burn. My only options lie straight ahead –
Walk.
Or die.
And I hadn’t yet felt like dying, so I chose the latter option.
The sharp jagged red-rock-horizon had almost entirely consumed the sun. As the desert wind whistled though, it picked up a few loose strands of hair and tickled my neck with them. Chills. A crawling sensation engulfed the lower vertebrae of my spine. My eyes slipped, or rather, fluttered shut. I slowly knelt down on one knee and let myself melt into the almost searing desert rock. Not much sand here, but it would do. Rest was needed.
Shrugging off the backpack from my shoulders, I melted once again, nestling my head into it, as if it were a pillow. The cover of eyelids slipped over my eyes once again. My thoughts, almost immediately became rapid-fire; racing. My heart pumped as if it would burst.
“It’s on fucking…fire.”
I opened my eyes. The vision was vividly burnt into my memory. Sigh. I let my eyes slip shut once again.
“Calm,” I said, slowly, exhaling the word as it was a whisper …
“Calmmmmmmmm.”




Just then, a circus of thought broke through my lucidity. These images came as furiously as they had quickly fleeted.
Tigers. Osiris Shriners Circus.
Tight ropes. Comin’ to yer city, folks.
Fire.

“Fire,” I said aloud, with more exclamation than I had spoken the word ‘calm.
Room service, I thought. I was in dire need…of a drink. I thought of pictures:
Flags. Gas Masks. Provocatively shot black and white photographs of completely innocent body parts – hands, lips…closed eyes.
It was then that I realized that I was not the lonely traveler I had
aforementioned.

She was lying next to me, about three feet to my left. She almost resembled a sleeping sculpture the way she laid, carved out in great detail. Shadows and highlights very carefully marked. She was thin and long. Drawing her longs in, and forcing her body into a ball, she tried to cover the bare skin of her legs using her arms. Re-draping herself with more skin, if you will.

“This is fucking crazy” she says.

With one eye open, I tilt my head to look at her. I nod.
She shakes her head silently, in response. Squinting at the sun, she stretched out, inching closer to me. The setting sun’s red beams caught her open eye and danced there for a moment –
Bright, vivid blue, like the sky that suspended itself overhead.
She smiled.
“We’re basically fucked, you know…”
“Yeah,” I sighed, “I know.”
“At least we have the nighttime to rest…and not stroke out in the sun…” her voice trailed off as she turned her head over her shoulder.
Standing abruptly, she reached into her pocket.
“…And, I have This.”
Clever. A joint. She lit it, and handed it to me. Breathing deep and long, I allowed my eyes to shut again. 200 fucking miles to the lights of the city…
I felt myself beginning to experience vertigo.
At least the fire from the wrecked car was in the distance. It was brighter than the moon. It helped me to keep my bearings.
This,
was not
a dream.

?

Lean back, crack the top of a bottle of shwill.... Sum how, it harder to swallow without a pill. Flashbacks of regret and pain tend to follow.... Sum times, being fulfilled seems so hollow.
Heart beats in sync with with new thoughts.... Sum things, you posses refuse to be bought.
-in candle light the night waste, frozen glass pressed to the lines on my face. broken smile, blank stare, no comfort/no care, me and a mut on a comfortable chair. both misunderstood with unspoken understanding, adrift with no landing. at peace with a piece on the table, head rocking like my chipped teeth were the cradle. my new born speech so deeply asleep in it's manger, if awoken it screams, demeaning with anger. shhhhhhhh.................LIV

The Means to the End

Must be a means to the end
I'm calling off all bets
Done playing the game
But you've not grown tired yet

Inspiration fueled from the
flames of anger
Outside it's turning cold
The fire, still burning; the game
still growing old

Rhyme without reason
continues through all seasons
So sad that these flames cannot
melt your heart
Just know-that the present is not the past
Believe it to be and nothing will last

Try to deceive me
My head's too clear for this
Try as you like
but can't seem to read me
Don't like to believe it
But i'm reading You
Like a script

What do you
want
What you
take
what will keep you close?
Deceit-lies-untruths
The truth spares no one

The truth..........spares no one
Stop the revolution
Counterproductive solution
There's no truth in your illusions

The truth
spares
no one

And hey, Don't feel so 'turned away'....
That would be taking My place

Summer, 2003...

2 steps from the edge
Try to fight the anger
Have let it build so long now,
To myself, I am a stranger

Compelled to violence;
must resist
Compelled to find
All reasons for this mess

Psychological battle
Fully engaged by the means of a Bottle
Who can 'get' who
'One up' the other (is the matter)
A struggle of minds
locked inside, incubating a seed of madness
the red I see drives me Blind

No reaction is acceptable
Words tossed and thrown
like a wasted rag doll
'Maintain the calmness
And breathe in deep'
aren't good suggestions to one who's on the leap
on the verge
on the edge
of personal empires burning

Torment
and laughter
all I ever hear
Ears bleed from pre-formed lines
While I struggle to keep
my sanity near
Holding it closely
Never letting go
Can't slip up on this matter
Or the system is going
to
blow

Inner struggle
Demons screaming
a little girl inside remains forbidden
Never to know
Not to feel
The actual meaning of
Something real.

So....

I am a man, trained to oversee those who I protect. But damn, she's overseas and who knows what to expect. I miss a couple women in my life.... but it's a shame, one is in the same country, right? My lady told me, she used to wonder if we stared at the same stars when we were so far apart. I only wished she was there to see the Star in my heart... and under my arm. I stare at a sky as if it's a refuge, then wonder..... could it ever be us _____? Sometimes thoughts get the best of you then people get the rest of you, should I let confusion in sue? I am good with where I am in my life.... but need you both back soon....alright....................LIV

God Willing

Over 36 million Americans live in a household with not enough food for the family. God Willing. Over 13 million of those people are children. God Willing. Close to 3,000 people died in the attack's on 9/11. God Willing. 4,324 Americans (and counting) have died fighting in Iraq. God Willing. An estimated 3.5 million people are homeless at this time. God willing. In 1999, there were over 3 million reported cases of child abuse, since then the frequency has increased by 45%. God Willing. I could go on and on.... But I think I made my point. God Willing.

Noose Necklace

Just hanging out... trying to get my feet on the ground. Chin up, chest out...proud. Eyes red, calm...not breathing heavy...or even breathing any. When I was born my face was blue, it was the best day of my life, now times two. I feel like I'm floating, almost suspend in mid air with no care. I'm almost there...........

EMOTIONS

We can be happy....
We can be sad....
We can laugh....
We can cry....
We can be scared...
We can be frightened...
Emotions are releases our body needs. The trick is not to let one emotion take over.
We need to feel them all. There is nothing wrong with emotions .

JOY

I climb a broken staircase with full intent to fall, a customer of consequence. I am so used to failure, I feel I've failed if I don't fail. My words are not inspiration, but true. I once was the one everyone worried about, now I worry about everyone. Sum how a loaded pistol and bottle makes me feel more safe. I'm not searching for answer's, just living in question. I've become so cold, I'm mad that I am happy. Every time I leave the house I beg myself not to react, though my survival depends on my reaction. They say home is where your heart is... so, I am so far from home. I love that a preacher has a hard time listening but insist you hear. Some people say I am too dark when I'm shedding light. I hang out with people to feel more alone. I only truly smile before I attack. My fear of dying is the pain others will feel. I want to climb a mountain with a bungee cord attached to the ground, cause I'd like to know the difference between it and now. Someone told me I am to angry, I said fuck you. I once ate a hand full of pills trying to die, only to realize I was eating a hand full every day anyway....I was already committing suicide. I bear scars from self inflicted wounds, but don't remember inflicting....or maybe can't forget. I tried to hurt someone I should not have and felt no sorrow, but cried during a commercial. I can't see a doctor because I fear he will try to heal me. People worry when they read what I write, but are happy when I lie about being happy.---- A lot of people dislike what I say and what I've done, they wonder who I really am, so the truth is..... I am a father, a brother, a friend, a son and a boyfriend....so if I'm judged.... that is where I find my jury.

For some, pain comes from a stranger place, yet can be noticed and read off a strangers face. It's easy to wash the guilt away I say, as I sway. I was told, "your life is shaped by the pain you feel", but they neglected how your life can be ruined by the way you heal. My soul is tarnished and stained with hurt, but you can't see the damage through my new t-shirt. It could be safe to say I'm not safe this way, day by day I decay. When I'm cut I laugh, when I bleed I smile.. it's no issue, the wounds are superficial, I need no tissue. I've never been one to pull punches, but the things I've done fuck with my conscience, even when I'm unconscious.. coincidence? Punches in bunches is what my father said.......R.I.P.

Happy Fathers Day

As a father without a daughter and a son without a father, let me say..... Happy Fathers Day.

Untitled

I used to wonder..... Is it helping or masking, curing or corrupting, fixing or tricking, changing or deranging... but am I owning or blaming, tripping or switching, faking or chasing positions so vacant. Decisions, so on a mission to erase em, escaping n tailing cases so contagious, no wrist braces and/or bracelets, they won't face me, then I'll face em' faceless. -Till the day my cold hands don't shake and my eyelids won't break.... know I'm not to far to check.. in. LIV

HATE

I am Jesus, the devil and your last breath. The pressure constricting around neck at the time of expiration. I will not lose. I am in the dark around every corner, maybe the first and last thing you'll see in the morning. I am in your closet when you get home, or attached to the battery of your car waiting for your entry. The weight tied to your ankle pulling you south as you see the surface of the water slowly get further. I apply the pressure to the lever which ignites the black powder giving birth to a chunk of metal and delivering to it's new home. The reason blood stops pumping, pumps faster, or pumps out. The last word, the final blink, the equal weight on the scale of justice. Glass in your food, air in your vein, sianide in your kool aid. The kerosene, match, and pad lock on the outside of your door. I am who you wanted to see last.... I'm here.

Don't Look Back

We can't change the past. We can enjoy the good times.
We can't predict the future.
We CAN make the present better.
So........live today like its your last. Live it to the fullest. Be happy.
Enjoy what you have today because tomorrow it may be gone........

Hey

I love you

This was a comment by Jellybean I needed to post

Tragedy suffered without lessons learned is the worst tragedy of all. We share our tragedies and journeys back in the hopes that something we say might resonate with you and make your journey a bit less lonely and a bit more hopeful. I wish for all who have suffered that you will learn to embrace the person you are becoming because of your pain and wear it as something to rejoice in and not fear.

I earned what I have between the legs of a table, exacted my contacts without a tax bracket. I've aggressively progressed exempt of attention, learning some lessons from Smith & Wesson. I am well known for being unknown, yet overwhelmed with being alone. I'm product of people with product producing regression afforded in a recession............. I am just fine... stabbed, shot, deaf, blind, Because what I live for is of a different kind. My battery is powered by family who cares, and the shame I would have if I couldn't be there. My soul is owned by those who shaped me, so to break it......... you need their key. My smile is tattooed and my frown is penciled, let's make my chaser the eraser!

OH.........

So ur angry cause I'm better.....you wish that I was ill... Never will you hold the cards again to make me deal........... U hav'nt earnded it......... u don't deserve it..... though you have my heart in question, we all must learn a lesson.

1ST Chapter

I lost my father to a misunderstanding... but I understand how circumstance can over stand the stance that you stood. So I planted my feet... knowing that the shoulders I bear are built to withstand the weight. I've been scared too long in my life, but the shadow of my brother spreads long and wide, plus people in his shadow have been known to hide. The small things u pick up on is what makes something big. I've done things I regret and can't forget. But my family in collect........ understands circumstance makes a man.

Just is as Justice Does

question me not, I can't speak, I already asked 4 a lawyer, like last week. good cop bad cop, it's only pork to me, so call me Muslim, I only do beef. sign what, I thought you know what happened first, oh, and i know your wife's name, and where she works. no thanks, I already made my one call, next to an ocean, can't help but feel small. wonder why I know your name, I used to wonder the same. but what you're paid for, I guess I've done, investigation 101. i know your rough/tough and I'm in cuffs, but your son should be home in about.... what? do you still live across from the pool? that's a really long walk from school. i'm just looking out for your safety, I don't wanna do wrong, hope no one makes me. a threat no, what makes you think that, you wanted a statement, I think I gave you that. is that your phone ringing, you may want to open, it could be a kidnapping, or a body in the ocean. no problem, I'll wait, I guess we both have a second to find out our fate. oh that was quick, did somebody escape? naw, no problem, must be a big mistake. and thank you for the talking, next time.... look at the shoes I fill before you site me for jay-walking. -4