Alone

"I watch gangster flicks and root for the bad guy, then turn it off before the end cause the bad guy dies."(-50 Cent) .... I watch comedy flicks for a reason to smile skipping the end where the guy get's the girl. Cause I miss you... my shed tears have drowned a box of tissues. Every song I hear is reminiscent of you, every night I touch my lips and wish to kiss you. I've done evil most people would never understand, but to me it's no effect. Yet I walk by the wrong picture of you I cry with my head in my hands, I'm a fucking wreck. I'm so tired of being strong I'm weak. I'm so tired all night long I can't sleep. I can't go for a ride, I can't go for a walk, I can't go out to eat.... I can't fucking talk. If I miss your phone call my soul falls. So I hold up at home with these four walls. I've must have written a book by now but still haven't found the words. Listened to every news report yet haven't heard a word. I've chained myself to solitude so you know where I'll be, waiting here in my own tears until you bring the key. -LIV

Medicated

The answer to all your problems is in the bottle's bottom. To bad the child safety top can't stop him. Nights are remembered in fragments amidst the head nodding. Bad memories suppressed at the cost of good moments forgotten. Lost of taste as he eats with an erased look on his face. Knows the date only by the amount of pills left to take. Needs some to fall asleep, some just to wake, and you know it takes a lot just to make it through the day. Each ailment healed is an ailment gained so problems are never solved, just rearranged. Just as you start feeling normal people start to tell, the side effect to getting well requires a soul to sell. Flying away is always nice, but it's when you land that dictates how you pay the price. Your distant from the pain that dwells and it's awaiting your return. The longer you duck and hide the more the demon yearns. Withdrawn from society, life, your friends, yourself.... In the cabinet of existence there is little left upon the shelf. Each glimmer of hope is close enough to reach, but the shell of false protection is just to hard to breach. "Your pain is yours, cherish it. It's the only thing no one can ever take from you." Big-E ..........................................-LIV

Time

Condescending contrast so predictable like sand through the hourglass. No peace in a quiet room, the persistent ever so constant dripping in the sink leaves no room to think. Each blink unveils the same dismal surroundings and the familiarity is drowning. My heart starts to race but has nothing to chase, so it slows to change it's pace, but does it brake.... or break. Deep breaths through sleepless nights breathless, the only thing I fight is rest I'm so restless. Each moment passed is one I last just for the next repetition to pass........ at last. Dividing the sound of the clock with the crash of the water drops.. tick/drop, drip/tock...... please Stop. Finding life's equation is clouding my thoughts up, it's simple arithmetic but never seems to add up.........Fuck. -LIV

I Have You To Thank

4 making me so me. 4 understanding belief with no reason. 4 knowing and trusting every movement with no discussion. 4 letting me make you so you. 4 breathing, smiling, fighting and lying next to one of the opposite sex no matter how I'm vexed. 4 every moment open being so potent for laughter. 4 being everything I chased after. 4 waiting until I grew through idiocy. 4 unknowingly laying foundation of a future with mystery. 4 making me stronger by leaving me. 4 introducing me to true love. 4 giving me the freedom you provide 4 our country. 4 reminding me, if I stare at the same star in the sky 4 long enough it will come to me. 4 being confident and optimistic with consistency. 4 kissing me. 4 you staying so close when I'm so far gone. 4 staying in touch with my Mom. 4 you being all 4 the 4. -LIV

Rules

Blood on the boots supporting the frame of one to proud to not take blame. Red fading footprints chase him from the paved way where a body lays. Hot metal stays pressed to the waist, chest out below a blank yet satisfied face. Sure the future is bringing more chaos hurt and loss, but this battle not lost. War torn unhealed scars mask the exterior of a righteous heart with a fight for a cause. If a janitor never cleaned a worthless mess, before long it would spread to where the innocent stepped. Some souls have morals and quarrel with ethics, they have a right and some must kill to protect it. If one dies to save two lives the human race survives; Rule #1 -Never leave an enemy alive. -LIV

a night, weekday.

your difficulties
my shortcomings
Whose mistaken for a fool
Our do-se-do swing
you throw out this
And I just sit back
You throw out that
Yet I won't strike back
cross my arms, legs and eyes
all at once
give me your best shot
(I already beat you to the punch)
Vehement
Angry 'bout the pain
and the restlessness
That I harbor
Release is needed
"Will I ever be At Peace?"
I ask the man on the ceiling
(I see the moon, are you staring at it too?)

thanks, a million.

When the inspiration comes from
the bottom of a bottle
Drink till you're full
But you still find you're hollow
Let's reminisce
Cheers to this
And wonder bout the timing
that played it's hand
in all the wickedness

Can't maintain
the vein that drips
all the fluid
to the brain
something familiar in the pain
that infects
it lurks and
haunts
and
doesn't disappear
no matter how hard
you push it away.

Blast

Blast on me homie, lets see the last stance
A Mental ass Killer alone in the sand
I draw the line, just cross it and see.
I'll fuck you up fagot as easy as can be.
Maybe I'm crazy gives me strength under fire
I'll blast with my fist leave you body in tires.
Vickey redmens is calling I ready lets go, stand on my feet and like lightning I throw
My face is all bloody It must be the mind
this war in my head made me cross the line.


Too bad it was against myself. Mentally insane, Sutdogs fucked up self.

Words to my Killer

Hey baby whats going on?
I love you is your day going good I hope?
I logged into the bank account, I see you made two new accounts only in your name and moved all the money?
Whats up honey? Did something happen? Why is my name not there? I know I'm in Chicago, that's why I'm calling there. Why is this turning into a screaming match while I'm here. I'm far away your say things I'm not tryin to hear. I'll take the plan back tonight, fuck the test I'll be alright. I don't give a fuck about a job My girl, my love is tripping.
I need to get home quick to see what has happened. You broke up with me? what the fuck do you mean? We been together 3and a half years, we were supposed to get married in June, oh wait, that's why you kept trying to push the wedding, you had this all planned. You stay away from home at a friends I never even get to say a word. I try to text you, but there is no answer. My son is calling, I'm crying trying to tell him. Yes buddy, Iowa is off, Kate broke up with daddy the weddings off. I still want to take you to the water park it will be ok. We will just have to do it alone, I don't know what to say, my worlds falling apart in front of a 4 yr old, asking the questions hoping he has the answers. I love you son run off to bed. Daddy will see you soon.... If its here or if its there.

I cant sleep the night I stay awake till dawn. Away for 4 days from work, I have to try to go on. I walk into some bullshit, Kate showed them my blog, said I made threats to her, Now I'm called to HR. Fired I know its all I can get, not 2 words from me no one cares about my side. I grab all my personals a few side items too, leave the building go back home and see the uhual moving things. I pull in they all leave so I try to help them out. I take all inside throw it in the street so they don't have as far to walk. Next thing I know 2 cops arrive, to make me come with them, no warrant, no nothing takes me by ambulance to the mental ward. 48 hr judge ordered stay. Seems Kate told the cops I was going to kill myself so she could unload as I sat in the jacket, begging to get out. All that runs inside my head is her words I cant take it. So much drama in your life, with crystal, your family, yourself, or the courts. Well fuck you bitch, my son was molested. You tun on me in my time of need no one there to catch me. I sat Alone in a ball on the floor waiting for family to take me back home. Back to ohio I keep up the meds, A psychotic Bi-polar Acrophobic, I got the panic disorder and drug problems to boot, hittin the pain pills the immortal sin. Ill pay for it later now I cant move, all I can do is sit in the dark. I get the order, sheriff at the door, I'm served with the papers, a no contact order. How the fuck can this happen? all in 3 days, now I'm back in ohio, mind in a haze. No one to talk to, live in a hole. My moms house is calling, jimmy come home. I'm flipping in my head, talking to voices inside, images of death. I wrap my arms around it and cover it with drugs, for 2 and A half months months I have my world, Make sure he is alright. Now he's gone, I'm back alone this hole in the ground, my life revolves, never an end. Some one to help, dikkie calls keeps me better, but I'm still fucked inside, no one understands, my life was crushed in 3 months.

Calm

So different, wide eyed and so exposed. A soul like the last time I saw my father..... cold. The chip on my shoulder would crack your mold. I'll gamble hope until broke and never fold. Hurt changed my lust for pain and in turn, changed my lust for gain. Diving in the center of a plateau. So no level change but the pain remains, plane. Deep rooted problems that need solving. Solvent in the barrel, cylinder revolving. Oh how these thoughts are evolving. Hope the voices stop before embalming, I need calming...... -LIV

U.S.A.

I gasp... she was down before the trade center crashed, she knew it would happen... then It did, and no laughs..... who knew... someone would use politics for their own pursuit of control (everyone).... She fought for a country without a cause... with no second thought, without a pause..... Loyalty above all.... 5'4, yet so tall ... Thumb tucked, running through enemies walls... A real hero from a government who cared zero.... their intent was to lose people so an unjustified attack would seem equal...... I have no trust, they killed children by the hands of us.... Don't think I don't believe in WAR.... I believe in an eye for an eye but what are our troops paying for. We all hate Bush... but people didn't quit dying cause Obama is now your president..... oh now your present...... how evident, nothing changes politics... soldiers dying for no reason, but tell their kids to be optimistic.... Bullshit. Rounds from an AK in a child's leg gets fixed... and thoughts of helplessness from a soldier who fixed it will forever exist. Is this fight different from bloods and crips? Tell me how, this shit doesn't add up still... and as a soldier invested in protecting a soldier I'll kill.....trust me I will.... I put that on my Dad, 4 real...... people signed up for a result... not 4 the selfish agenda of a political cult. - LIV R.I.P Big E

From my Lady...

Each day brings new thoughts and today I was forced to recall a place
> in New York...
>
> We took a trip to Newburg me and mom with Aunt Sylvia, R.I.P, to go
> see Aunt Carla, Tangela and Duwayne. When the family got together
> there was always a good time and good food to be had. This was no
> exception to the rule. I wasn't to young remember the trip or the fact

> that Aunt Carla always had cool ideas. We went to a place called Bear
> Mountain and they had an ice skating ring outside. It was cold but not

> too cold and the sky was really dark but the stars twinkled we were up

> so high it felt like I could grab one if I really tried. I felt so
> sophisticated being outside ice skating on some mountain, like how
> many people do this. It was always fun staying up past our bed time
> and doing something new, maybe that's the part that made me feel like
> such a big girl. Plus, I had on gloves a scarf and hat but just a
> sweater and jeans on...that never happened mom always made sure I was
> dressed very warm. To the point where my socks were pulled all the way

> up, my t-shirt all the way down, tucked into my undies, with my shirt
> all the way down and tucked into my pants that were pulled up over my
> little kid extend a belly, ha ha, my shoe laces tied or Velcro all the
way over.
> My hair was nothing short of pulled back enough to make my almond
> shaped eyes a little more chinky to accentuate my round cheek-ies and
> pouty lips. Then came the gloves hat and scarf that were put on first
> then on went the jacket that I was always was afraid was going to zip
> my neck in and it be mistaken for extra clothing...in the end no air
> pockets. Ha ha, oh man, ha ha sorry mom such fond memories of you
> dressing me, ha ha.
>
> Anyway, to be outside made me feel like a little adult as I dreamed of

> being a teenager and being on a date to a place so cool as the couples

> skated around us holding hands. To be a kid and dream. We left to
> arrive at a restaurant called Gosho of Japan and it felt like a
> wrinkle in time. With karate never too far from my life, my mother and

> I share an affinity for the Asian culture but this, this felt like I
> was in some Japanese Garden, in the winter. You could hear the music
> before we got there, song dong dong ting, ha ha. When we went in
> everyone was dressed in Kimono's. And the chef's cooked in front of
> you and that was the first time I saw that so I was amazed. My mom let

> me order like a big girl and for the special night Tangela and I were
> allowed to get virgin daiquiri's, that always upped the big girl
> factor. My mom ordered some plum wine and she let me have a little
> sip, I don't know if it was the whole day, the atmosphere or if that
> wine was pure perfection but I swear there I tasted the most lip
> smacking scrumptulecent (not a word) liquid to roll on my tongue this
> side of the Mississippi. And that night as I laid down my head, I
> slept with the biggest smile on my face...i will always remember Bear
Mountain.
>
> Have a great day, All my love!
>

You

You stole my pain and implanted faith and hope with no mirrors or smoke. Each morning I wake is like a jail break, I'm imprisoned in bed next to my angels face. Breakfast in bed, lunch on the lake, sex in the woods then for dinner a steak. Slow walk's in the rain pacing conversation around the thunders sound. Back to the ground, eyes to the sky, hearts as one, inhibitions aside. Focused on not concentrating, concerned without worry, everything to do but in no hurry. Don't know if they look, who cares if they stare, in a sea of these people it's just me and you there. A corn field at night, a stream in the morning, a day in the house and no moment's boring. Today's a new day can't dwell on the past, but every day passed is as great as the last. And it gets better....... -LIV

Pass

I ease past, brushing shoulders with his immediate family as I walk by the stained glass. Knee deep in the tears of sorrow from those so shallow and apologies so hollow. My thoughts narrow, "your nobody till somebody kill's you" I think, as I wash my hands of his existence in the reality sink. I will miss that he's gone like I miss wearing a diaper... I don't remember the last time, it just seems asinine. They held his showing in a church of god... how odd.... I know, let's put all the people he raped in the front row. Is it more disrespectful that I showed up, or that he's being honored for being such a fuck up. No apologies..... when your right your right, we both sleep... I just wake at the end of the night. You think I'm harsh.... I agree, but look at the violation left by his legacy. Good things come to those who wait, and those who violate must meet their fate. I know sum may not understand, but to those who do .... Tuck Your Thumb In. -LIV

Who Kares?

I was at the worst point of my life. You were with everyone I've known every night. I stood up as a child to take a stance as a man. You stood up to bend over for another man. I saw her entrance then, you asked if "it" looked like him. You asked no questions when the money came. Treated me like shit when the money didn't. Who knew a whore could make such a gift. How does an angel come from such a bitch. You loved the love from a real fam. But you loved more having the upper hand. You made all of me believe and in turn, my family believed me and loved her... see; Your the only one alive that took a part in breaking all of the ones I loved heart's. ............................. I have so much more to say to you, but I bite my tongue.... and to be vague.... Fuck You. -LIV

Voices

If I took orders from a ghost to listen and typed what he said would it be ghost-written? I see white shadows at night casting shade from moonlight evident in plain sight. Voices whisper my name in a scream again and again no matter how far I run from them. Is crazy another word for misunderstood, and if so how do you understand crazy? Are tears from the virgin Mary more real than hallucinations and who makes the determination? If some one hears voices to kill a child they're demented, but if it's the voice of god they're never contested. Is a voice not a voice unless it's excepted by society, or does the choice of a voice dictate ones notoriety? Doc said we all have sick thoughts in our mind from time to time, it just means your sane. But your hospitalized as insane if you "say" you thought of blowing out your brain. Freedom of speech unless what your saying is in not agreed upon, and if you speak on your frowned upon. I would love to keep writing but it's almost time for bed, plus I need time for fighting with all these voices in my head. -LIV

The Show Must Go On

Sweat beads on the surface I'm so nervous, walking a barbed tight rope of life's purpose like I'm in the circus. If I fall my existence is worthless, observers cheering saying devil spear him when he hits the surface. Endless wind of negativity from the breath of jealousy threatens each contemplated step taken to escape captivity. Proclivity to flee no longer an instinct for me, pumping the blood of deceit to a brain screaming retreat. Refusal to lose refuels exacted determination to survive in my life according to my rules. I'm certain I pull the strings so the puppet masters working, and the show doesn't stop until I drop the curtain. -LIV